Homeward Bound

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays....

Today is my last day in Istanbul,
tomorrow morning at 0900 i fly out of here on a plane homeward bound
I feel a sense of bittersweetness
I really loved my time here and i felt like something really clicked with me here in Turkey
but at the same time it has been a vacation from real life and its time for me to get back to reality
i have to graduate
and get a job or go to grad school
and i have to keep moving forward
one step at a time

It makes it especially sad because all my friends here keep telling me how
i am like family to them and i hate leaving family behind anywhere
but it is also nice to know that i have family all over the world!

anyways the time has come for me to wrap up this blog and say my last piece

First, i encourage everyone to be brave and do something unexpected of you
Second, it is direly important for the future of the world that our generations and the ones that follow us get out of their own cultures and experience something different
Third, it is so important to make a real attempt to be understanding and compassionate to all human beings regardless of ethnicity, nationality, language....etc....because one person can encompass a lot of differences within them...and its important to bridge the gap and make common ground where you cannot find any.
Fourth, Turkey is a historical phenomenon....you can't go anywhere without running into something ancient, meaningful, or sacred. For example there is a church built into a mountain in Turkey and its called St. Nicholas's Cathedral....
for those who dont understand St. Nick...is Santa Claus....bet you didnt' know Santa has a summer home in Turkey did you?
Fifth, drop your biases, and your strictured opinions....be flexible...the only part of you that should be so straight and narrow is your backbone...how will you grow if you dont allow yourself the room...and i mean this mentally.
Sixth, don't assume anything...dont assume you know...dont assume you dont know...dont assume what people are thinking...or feeling...etc....if you want to know something- then ask, and ask someone else, and then research on your own....dont just believe, discover for yourself!
Seventh, and i learned this a long time ago from a childrens cartoon called The Magic School Bus....but i relearned it here in turkey..."Take Chances, Get Messy, Make Mistakes"
you're going to make mistakes....that is inevitable but while you do it you might as well learn something...you might as well try...take a chance....i mean if you are going to fall off a cliff- why not try to fly...

and with those words of wisdom dear reader, i leave you to your own devices...

remember its a really big complicated world...so if you think you know something...look at it from a different angle and i bet you'll see a whole new picture!

Ciao!
Jessi

Best Friend/Worst Enemy

I can't believe how much i learned about my own culture just by being here...

there is a great admiration for Malcom X i've discovered from international students...one of my German friends was so excited when she saw me reading his autobiography that she promptly began to tell me why and how she admired him, not to mention many of my Kurdish friends consider him to be a great leader...and not even that some of my Turkish friend expressed their admiration as well....

I hope it is my own fault and not the failing of the educational system in America that has led me to know very little about Black American leaders and important figures in America.

mostly i rememeber every February we get a lecture or two about the Civil Rights movement and Martin Luther King Jr.

Not that he wasn't a great man....but how much are we missing out on....I've learned about Bendict Arnold who is notorious for betraying the Patriots to the British in the American Revolution

but i've never even heard Jesse Jackson's name, or Angela Davis' name mentioned in my history education in school

Is that because it isn't important that we learn about the blacks who spoke the loudest with messages we dont like to hear or rememeberor attempted to thwart the system at every turn...who didn't preach the message of turn the other cheek? Do they think that if we learn about them...then we may try to imitate them? Really do they think we are that simple?

I've learned more about Black American leaders here in Turkey where they are widely admired and accepted...then i ever did at home...

On another note...I had a goal before i came to Turkey...its a life goal....of befriending someone i dont like.

I've accomplished that goal here, and learned so much from it.

This person brings out the very worst in me, and even a short conversation is devastatingly painful to me...but nevertheless i stick to my guns and i gut it out.

I've spent a fair amount of time learning about this person and trying to understand them better and appreciate their finer points....

but mostly i've learned that when you force yourself to see the good in people you dont like...it makes you so much more humble and understanding and compassionate as well.

I am now so very aware of my actions towards others and i try at all times to be kind and relaxed and easy going because this person has made me realize how easy it is to start a war...

If you dont try to understand someone or see their perspective simply because you dont like them...then yah...fighting them is an easy way out

If i was not this persons friend i could very well be their worst enemy and sometimes i wish i were just so i could actually say the scathing words that come to mind when this certain person utters the stupid ridiculous crap that they seem to deem important.


But i'm in this for the long haul because i can feel how good it is for me...first it allows me to just be myself, because this person doesn't care what i say or what i do in any way. but second it causes me to be more cautious and humble in my daily interactions with others because i want to be the kind of person who doesn't rub everyone the wrong way and cause waves and problems every where i go


...and thirdly it forces me to suppress my initial instincts to attack or quickly defend myself and in doing so...i'm a more peaceful person..

I challenge all of you...who are brave enough to keep reading my blog...Befriend someone you dont like...i mean someone who grates your nerves...someone who's voice is like nails ona chalkboard to you....someone that says the things you cant stand to hear.

Befriend this person...and then...watch yourself grow!

ciao!
jessi

And the Grammy award goes to...

I can't believe its just one week!
i feel like i haven't had enough time to do everything!
i feel like i'm finally adjusted, not a whole lot suprises me anymore
every day is starting to feel normal and not like an adventure
and i guess that is how you know its time to move on...

anyways...i have to give a shoutout to my girls...my roomies...Michelle, Selin, Ecem, Gizem....we deserve our own little ode to our awesomeness.
We have lived in one room, shared one bathroom...6 girls...and guess what
not one fight!

not even a petty little girl cat fight.... that deserves a standing ovation am i right...
this is simply because we have bigger problems to deal with then "who used my shampoo, and "why do you snore so loudly", and "You're such a witch in the mornings"

our problems have to do with a language barrier and a huge fashion difference....
so in the end my turkish roomates have been very kind and lenient with my bad American style sense and i in turn have never givn them crap for wearing Ugg boots (this rule does not apply to any American's i know...you will take heat from me if you are a wearer of Ugg boots)

We stay out of each others way...are kind and polite and respectful of each others things, time, space, and sleeping schedule.
If someone is in the shower and you have class in an hour...then you curse your own oversleeping self and hightail your butt to class...
If someone is doing their homework late at night and needs one light on...then you wear a sleep blindfold or pull your covers over your head...
If someone likes to sleep with the window open so they can get fresh (albeit frigid cold) air...then you wear all of your available pajamas and sweatshirts and bundle up under the covers....

oddly enough you go out of your way to make everyones life easier- that is the primary rule that has made living here in the dorms such an awesome experience....we aren't there to make each others lives miserable

and while i'm at it i should mention that everyone in the dorms, Ahmet, Karsli Yunus, Mardin Yunus, Hakki, Baran,Burak, Mizgin, Tugce, Begum, Serhan, Mustafa, and so many others have been nothing but helpful and kind and sweet, if not for them there would have been times when i would have starved, or been intimidated, but their smiling encouraging faces kept me going each and every day...

okay i'm starting to sound like an acceptance speech at the Grammy's....
what i am really trying to say is that this experience would have been impossible if so many people weren't willing to share not only their food, but their ideas, their culture, their language, their time with me, to help me adjust and to help me understand

i know from firsthand experience that it is not easy to reach out to someone culturally different then you...its time consuming and it forces you to slow down and analyze your own speech, thought, values, and circumstances....but in doing so...they enriched my time here in Turkey...

I truly felt connected to a community, so i knew that i had people to count on and rely on and to help me when i needed it in any way. Its been my privledge and definatly my pleasure to be a part of their world.

ciao
jessi

Reflections...part 2

...We pull up to my dorm and i climb out wearily and the Fatih quickly pulls out my bags and gives me a warm smile before leaving and waving as he drove off...

I was very sorry to see him go because the security guards at the dorm entrance spoke no english and flipped through my entrance papers a few times with skeptical looks and then escorted me to the dorm manager.....

As i walked through the dorm i realized it was still a work in progress...there were construction workers working on pipes and the kitchen was still being set up and the cleaning people were working like bees all over the place....

and it was empty....
by the time i got to my room i noticed htat every single room in every single floor was as empty as the hotel in the Shining....

The emptiness was the last straw on an incredibly stressful situation...i had flown 14 hours on a plane...away from anything i was familiar with....my first trip outside of north America...didn't speak the language and was very unfamiliar with the customs...and i didn't know anyone at all....
at that point i was already feeling alone...
but to arrive to an empty dorm just compounded the loneliness and i sat down and tried to swallow my fears...

Before i knew it i could feel teardrops pressing at my eyes and i gave myself 15 seconds...enought time for about two sniffles and one pitiful whine with about 8 tears total...and i kid you not i pretty much counted.

then i wiped my eyes and told myself aloud, "this is what you came here for...you wanted this, now stop being a baby and go explore."

I trudged up the stairs to the dorm terrace where i found one girl, my first true friend in Turkey: Karin....and within moments i met another friend this time a Turkish one: Hasan.

I was abnormally friendly because i wanted to make friends to explore Istanbul with....and we sat outside in the hot sun and talked and drank water for about an hour

then Karin invited me to go have lunch and then go exploring with her...and from that moment it seriously seemed like Istanbul was a bright shining city just waiting to be explored...and it was....and i did....

i just want everyone who has traveled before or who has yet to travel to know...it didn't start out all happily ever after...its always scary at first to make a big change...and its definatly okay to cry a little or call your parents...although i didn't call mine...mostly because my mother is the best mom every but she has a way of being very unsympathetic to tears...and my dad is the exact opposite....once he asks..."aww baby, whats wrong" the waterworks start and i turn into a sniffling whining 4 year old who's skinned her knee and between sobs tells a horrific story of how the sky is falling. therefore they could only make things worse....

It got better, exponentially, once i forced myself to realize that you have to try....you have to really really try hard...and it will be uncomfy...and akward and downright miserable at times...but you have to try....
i know i'm glad i did!

ciao
jessi

Reflections...

In my last few weeks here, i've spent a lot of time reflecting on my first few weeks here and marveling at how far i've come

and i'm finally ready to tell the true story about my first experiences of Turkey

At first i put on a happy face and decided not to write about it because i wanted to be fair...and when you are scared out of your mind you can never truly be fair to a new experience...you just want out.

In any case, i'm ready to tell it so here i go...

As soon as my plane touches down at Ataturk airport, i get the feeling that Dorothy must have felt when she woke up in munchkin land.... and in my immediate state of shock i started to look around and realize that everyone around me was speaking Turkish except for a pair of elderly American women who were looking anxiously over a guide book and steadily ignoring everyone around them.

I lifted my chin and walked off the plane feigning all the confidence in the world...and i walked right into a hustling crowd of people who were angry and late....
since i was going in their direction i got caught up in a whirlwind/wave of these people and got carried through the visa center and before i knew it i was exiting the terminals.

I stepped through a pair of double doors into a large window filled lobby with crowds of people holding signs for incoming guests/students etc. I didn't see my name, although the school had assigned someone to help me with my frist few weeks and through email he promised to meet me and escort me to the dorms.

I find an empty uncomfortable plastic chair and have a seat trying to ignore the growing panic inside me. As i waited i noticed how alone i was...everyone had a travel partner or someone meeting them and i heard not a single word of english and i knew nothing in Turkish. As i sat i tried to put on a calm, collected, strong facade, because every woman knows that men only harrass/hit on the women that they think are easy targets...they are like lions...they pick the weakest one of the bunch and go for the kill. If you appear confident and self assured they mostly leave you alone. (Of course my dear brother-in-law, Peter is the exception to this rule...i dont think i will ever understand how he was brave enough to get past the mean, steel exterior of my sister Lil...)

Time passed...and i waited....i waited...and i waited...finally 20 minutes passed and I gave up waiting.

One good thing about being in a completely new place is you have the oppurtunity to learn a whole lot about your true self...and you start to accept it...I learned i am not a patient girl

I decided to find a taxi but i got looped into a salesman advertising cheap shuttle rides to your destination. I accept and praying i'm not getting ripped off beyond belief i sit and wait for them to pull up a shuttle and escort me and my bags to it.

I wait 30 minutes this time and then i march up to the shuttle service and start gesturing and yelling....they get the clear message that either they take me where i want to go or i'll raise so much hell they will wish i had never come to Turkey.

They quickly pull up a shuttle, just for me, and a nice gentleman tells the driver where to take me and he teaches me my first Turkish word...tesekkur ederim...(thank you). The driver doesn't speak much english and i'm in no mood to talk as its been over and hour and i am confused, and scared and angry. But as we drive and i see the city of Istanbul to things hit me at once...the weather is beautiful...but the city is generally filthy. Most of the buildings are apartment complexes, and i didnt see a shopping mall or a skyscraper in sight. There was a heavy fog of smog over the city and i could feel exhaust burning my lungs through the open window.

I'm not ashamed to admit....i wanted so badly to just go home.

My drive, Fatih, was chatting pleasently in Turkish from the front seat...explaining his love for Michael Jackson i think...and as we passed parts of the city he would point out the tourist spots and important destinations. I tried to rememeber everything he was saying...but a lump was growing in my throat and my head was beginning to ache.

We pulled into a narrow street with many of the buildings broken down or with windows punched out...and i was relieved to see a police station and armed police on guard....(this relief at seeing police would soon dissapate)

Part 2 still to come....

terrible-awful-no-good-very-bad-day!

Today was a bad day...
and you may think i'm just venting
but believe it or not i hate inviting other people into my own private
anger sessions, especially when it is a bad day..

However for the sake of future study abroad students, i want to make a note of even the bad days
because they will happen
and it's so important that students know when they study abroad it will not always be like vacation...and sometimes there will be times when you really are just angry and frustrated and want to shout out loud...or sometimes you just want to go home

It's important to know that this happens so you know not to give up.

Today i celebrated Christmas early with some of the amazing Erasmus people in my dorm...i feel awful for not spending more time with them because they are so neat and each has such amazing qualities and all are so friendly and kind!

In any case, i had to duck out of the party early because i promised my friend i would go to her cousin's birthday party...

mistake? yes.

I end up sitting in a room where the music is much too loud and not too good and no one speaks a word to me, even when i try my best to use my awful turkish. I end up sitting for two hours and getting the bad end of Turkish hospitality...which is where they talk about you, point at you, and look at you but pretend like you are a statue and can neither hear or see them doing this.

It was humiliating....

but it serves to help me point out yet another fact...

There are times, especially if you go to the Eastern countries....from Middle East to China....where as a Westerner...usually very blonde girls and very dark skinned girls....where people will look at you.

When i say look, i mean stare...and i mean they might ask if they can take a picture with you...and you might for a moment feel like a celebrity because i am not exaggerating when i say you can feel every pair of eyes staring you down when you walk down a crowded road.

That being said...it isn't the intimidating or racisit staring that makes you feel like an unwelcome cockroach....it is curiosity...and honestly on a good day it made me feel like a goddess walking on earth and gracing the good people with my presence, but
on a bad day it felt like i was an unwelcome alien and i wanted to hide in my room and curse the world.

This is why i stress the importance of recognizing that you will have bad days when you study abroad...know that it is not a reason to give up (though it may be a reason to stay inside with a lot of chocolate and your favorite movies).

and i am saying all of this because i have experienced the kind of staring where a person is clearly thinking that you are not worth the gum on the bottom of their shoe and the kind of stares i have received here in Turkey are not like that at all.

I sincerely believe that i could be the first person of African descent some of them have seen in their lives...but i'm happy to give them a good impression, and smile and nod...or if they are brash enough to speak...i inform them that i am an American...and immidiately the curiosity is switched into high gear and the first question is "do you know Barak Obama?"

So my bad day today is almost over...and i will wake up tomorrow and hopefully the clouds will have gone away...

but for now....chocolate!

ciao
jessi

...and in other news

Good afternoon, this is Jessi Jones reporting live from Istanbul, Turkey where breaking news in the political realm is causing an uproar....

The Turkish Parliament outlawed the DTP party yesterday...(party names are not important if you are not fully invested in Turkish politics so i will give you a brief overview)

The DTP is the main supporter of Kurds and Kurdish rights in Turkey....

The Kurds in Turkey are already on edge and from time to time they create problems in Turkey.... In the past they have killed soldiers, civilians, and tourists on their path to gain either equality or seperation from Turkey I am still not sure what exactly they want...

However, all the Kurds i have met are smart, thoughtful and in many cases, kind and generous people... so i have come to think of this as a violent version of the Civil rights movement...what the Kurds need is a Ghandi like figurehead...or Martin Luther King, or a Nelson Mandella, or Dalai Lama....

their current imprisoned leader (Ocalan Abdullah) seems to create even more divisivness that leads to more resentment and dislike of the Kurdish party (PKK) by external parties and the international community because it is seen as violent and uncooperative.

So in any case...the abolishment of the DTP caused riots and protests to break out on Istiklal street in Taksim yesterday which dampened my already drenched spirits (it's been raining like niagra falls) because suddenly it was no longer safe to go up to Istiklal where i normally take my dinner and tea.

So instead i stayed inside and had a discussion with my friend about the PKK and why he disliked them...which somehow turned into a discussion of Hamas and the situation in Palestine, Israel and Gaza Strip...and the next thing i know my friend says..."occupied Palestine territories" and all of a sudden my temper flares.

Now everyone should understand that when you get upset...all your reasoning and logic disappears. so at this point i should have simply bid my friend good night and gone to bed

instead i begin to pump him for information on why he doesn't recognize Israel and before i know it, we aren't speaking at all.

This is the problem...the root of almost every conflict.

People get so emotionally invested in one side, that they refuse or cannot see the other side of the arguement. I see this happen every time someone takes a hard line on a touchy subject i forget to actually listen and i automatically hunker down and prepare to return fire.

What if...and i'm just supposing here

what if we all just listened to each other...and i mean the real listening...where you aren't just waiting for an openeing where you can jump in and state your opinion

i mean listening so that when the person finishes talking you have to take a few moments silence just to digest what they have said and you even repeat it back to them to make sure you hear it correctly.

And what if everyone did this....and really tried to step outside of themselves and see the other side...

what then?

I dont care if you are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Taoist, Morman, Athiest, Pagan, or reincarnated as a squirrel democrat, republican, Tory, Whig, Labor, AKP, Communist, socialist, Anarchist, nationalist, Iranian, american, english, canadian, Chinese, Icelandic, black, white, yellow, blue, red, green, orange....

None of us has a road map to a perfect world....no one has a monopoly on the truth or being right...

we may have to do some things that we dont like...and we may have to take a hit to our pride...and we may have to accept that some people just do not believe the same exact thing we believe...doesn't mean they are wrong

We may not all speak the same languages but our ears serve the same purpose...to listen...to comprehend...to understand each other....



and now back to your regularly scheduled program....

Police...! run!

Disclaimer: Turkey is not a police state...it is a functional democracy with some kinks to work out like every other democratic nation in the world

That being disclaimed i have to make the observation that the amount of police forces present here in Turkey has been alarming to me...at first it made me happy to see them in my early days here because as an American when i see police i think security

However as i have gotten more familiar with Istanbul in particular police presence is unsettling

I do not feel as if they are on every corner with tanks and guns for my protection, but rather for the states protection from me.

The police prowl the streets every where stopping people at random to check their legitimacy and i.d. i suppose. And they are always not far behind when protests take place along Istiklal street...which is the most famous street in Istanbul i'm sure.

there are scattered police stations everywhere, with men stationed out front with weapons that look eerily similar to AK-47's.

In my travels in Eastern Turkey i commented to my friend that there were only young men in hordes wandering the streets. and when there are young men with nothing to do wandering around...(no offense to the male gender) bad things tend to happen

there were police on motorcycles riding through a park and a young man made a snarky comment out loud as the police rode by. I was shocked to see them stop...get off their bike and begin to verbally harrass the young man and proceed to ask him for his id and begin to question him like he was a suspect of some crime.

I could have completley misread the situation but it seemed ridiculous that the most pressing matter that two policemen could deal with at the moment was a young boy who was being obnoxious...

but that is the feeling i gather from the police presence in Turkey...they are like a military force allowing the public to fulfill their wishes in a fashion that does not disrupt the order of the state...which could speak to my misunderstanding the role of police in America as well.

I see them as protecting me...but really maybe they are more like Turkish police...maybe they are not protecting society from itself but protecting the establishment from society....

things to think about...
Ciao!
Jessi

is it too late to apologize

My darling readers
lately i have been negligent and remiss in my blogging duties
for that i sincerely apologize...again
however
in my own defense, i've been very busy not doing homework and not writing papers for class, which has given me minimal time on the computer and thus less access to my blog.

But now i shall let you in on a little secret frustration i have with Turkey because it is only fair that i tell you the ups and downs right?

I have come to observe that many (not all) Turkish people do not like to be inconvienced in any way...whether driving, waiting in line,shopping, or sitting in class-- they do not like for things to be inconvienent for themselves. That being said...the irony is that they could care less whether by making things convenient for themselves they inconvienence someone else...

I've noticed this more and more often as i go through everyday life here.

For example, at the police station i waited patiently in line for 25 minutes, just standing in line...as soon as i reached the counter a young lady and her mother came rushing into the room and elbowed in front of me and spoke quickly in Turkish to the officer...i dont speak Turkish so what could i do but give an evil glare and resign myself to wait....but no...the man behind me in line was so upset about this that he started yelling and hollering and raising hell until the officer had to be distracted from what he was doing to calm the man down, explain the situation and promise to get to him next...

so at this point i'm now in line behind two rude people and all of us have to wait another 20 extra minutes because of 2 peoples impatience...whereas simply abiding by the rules of the line would have gotten everyone through quicker right? logic dictates this idea


In class the professor gives us the option of making our own class time, later in the day preferably because no one wants to be in class at 10 am..

We are almost at an agreement for thursday at 4pm when one boy insists he cannot do this because he doesn't like late classes...he refuses to change his mind so we end up stuck with class at 10 am every thursday!

One guy's dislike for late classes overrides 15 people who agree on their dislike for 10am classes.

but that is my only complaint for the day...i apologize if i have offended any one i sincerely do not mean to imply Turkish people are generally rude...au contraire...most of them are so welcoming and warm that i've felt guilty accepting their hospitality...

i'm just saying.....sometimes life doesn't work out the way you like it to...when life gives you lemons you make lemonade and if you dont like lemonade then give the lemons back politely and say "no, thank you".

ciao!
jessi

What to say...

I am afraid...
i have so much to say about the past week i spent in Gaziantep
that i feel i might start writing and it will turn into an incoherent stream of conciousness type of thing.
Like in HighSchool when they make you read "classic" books that are completely illogical and make no sense to sane humans...but then again i have a theory that all English teachers and literature teachers have a strong dose of insanity in there souls. You have to in order to make any sense of the jumbled thoughts that people create when they put pen to paper with the intention of changing your life.

But i digress...already i've lost the point

Gaziantep is a beautiful ancient place, and its people take great pride it in, they love it as if they came from the ground itself...like daffodils springing from the rocks.
It's supposed to be a big city...but they way people greet you when you meet them on the street it feels like small town USA to me.

On one occasion during the holiday we were trying to find Gaziantep castle and ended up straying through a local neighborhood were some children were playing. As we stopped to ask them for directions a little boy took my hand and kissed it and wished me a happy bayram...

suddenly i didn't feel like a foreigner in a strange land...i felt like a long lost relative.

All of my friends young cousins and nephews and neices called me Jessi-abla....meaning jessi sister

I was shopping for souvenir's at this amazing bazar and an older gentleman called me his daughter and gave me a beautiful Indian scarf as a gift, along with directions to some of the oldest places in Gaziantep.

I can hardly speak a word of Turkish, but i never felt more welcome then when i was in Gaziantep and every where i went was home, and everyone we spoke to was family.

Out of respect of the wishes of my hosts in Gaziantep i will not blog in detail about my experiences...but i will definatly continue to make some notes in my future blogs about intresting things i did and saw there...so keep your eyes open!

Ciao!
Jessi